My dear, When one is finally feeling lucid, clear-eyed and rational, people always ask if one’s drunk. Or high. Isn’t that just totally mind-boggling? That when you reach a state of pure sanity, you’re called anything but. Anyways, I have a theory – my theory goes that when people see someone who’s completely lucid, clear-eyed, rational, and awake they turn their heads as if they’re looking at some...

My dear, Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants. That’s the only diet ‘secret’ you’ll ever need in your life. Falsely yours, Michael...

My dear, You deserve nothing. Seriously, nothing. The proper schooling you got (if that), is all thanks to your parents and teachers who cared (few do). The fact that you lived past the age of three, you don’t even actually deserve that, your caretakers could have looked at you like a business proposition and after realizing that you brought nothing to the table, dumped you in a garbage bin (sadly, some caretakers do this). So be...

My dear, Don’t talk to me about death. Death is nothing, there’s nothing to fear there. Have you ever starved your belly for three days, and not by choice? Have you ever roamed the streets, homeless, and when asked just casually told people you were out about? Have you ever poured your heart out, and watched no one care? Have you ever been right all along, and been stoned for it? Have you ever shut your mouth about your...

My dear, Want to be an actor? Then be an actor, don’t be an actor on the side. Want to be an entrepreneur? Then be an entrepreneur, don’t be an entrepreneur at night with a day job. Want to a writer? Then be a writer. Don’t be a writer in the morning, and a barista in the afternoon. Live your dream, not your backup plan. Falsely yours, A....

My dear, If you would know a man, observe how he treats a cat. Does he feed it on time? Does he serve it, or does it listen to him, and him it (like a good relationship)? Does he ignore it? Does he leave it alone, or does he give it space (there is a difference)? Does he complain about it? Does he go on about it, or does he mention it casually, as if it’s a problem he can handle easily, and one which he in fact loves to...

My dear, For almost seventy years the life insurance industry has been a smug sacred cow feeding the public a steady line of sacred bull. And the thing is, the life insurance industry is a whole lot bigger, and includes a lot more people than you thought. The life insurance company includes the people that say you shouldn’t quit your job in search of a riskier better life, they say what you have is good enough – a lot of people...

My dear, We give the kids with the greatest challenges the crummiest education and then say ‘poverty is destiny.’ We sit them in front of the television set because we’re too lazy to parent correctly, and then say that screens (computers, televisions, and cellphones) are ruining the world. And we sit at home watching basketball and football stars, praising them – and we say that too many kids these days want to be...

My dear, Stand in awe at the girls with too many books to read and not enough time. Revere the boys who keep learning about everything when the world tells them to stick to something. Respect the girls who ask questions while everyone tell them to shut up. And admire the guys who’ve found that making things interests them more than talking, and talking about making things. …Praise the woman who’s forgotten to eat, not...

My dear, If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. Sometimes I imagine God saying, “I made it all beautiful and wonderful, it’s you that’s ruined it. It’s you who’s ruined the beauty that was already there in trying to create some abstract beauty you envisioned and grossly overestimated. You just didn’t see it.” Sometimes I imagine there being a god, and him being right. Falsely yours, Woody...