My dear,

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.

To get so intoxicated on the sense of good family (if such a thing exists I let you be the judge), good food, good music, and of course, good wine that you forget all that troubled you so about them the rest of the year.

You are, of course, free to continue being completely sober and unhappy the rest of the coming year.

Falsely yours,
Patrick Jake “P. J.” O’Rourke