My dear,

I know why Santa’s so jolly at the time.

Old Kris Kringle isn’t smiling because he has the best job in the world – hell, delivering billions of presents to kids around the world in less than a day has to come with at least a dash of some good old American job-hate. Nah…

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

But don’t go telling old Mrs. Claus or the kids that. Between you and me he does it all for the kids. Yeah, just for the kids.

Falsely yours,
George Denis Patrick Carlin