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“She Was A Dull Person, But A Sensational Invitation To Make Babies.”

My dear, Yesterday I met a woman who couldn’t keep up. If she heard my jokes and witticisms, she didn’t show it. If she understood anything I said, she didn’t show it. If she was at all interesting, she didn’t show it. Falsely yours, Kurt Vonnegut,...

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“Those Who Believe In Telekinetics, Raise My Hand.”

My dear, Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. Those who believe in magic, mystify my hand up. Those who believe in God, pray for my hand to be raised. Those who believe that there’s a rightful and scientific explanation for everything… continue. Falsely yours, Kurt Vonnegut,...

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“High School Is Closer To The Core Of The American Experience Than Anything Else I Can Think Of.”

My dear, High school’s a lot like life after it isn’t it? You’ve got your cool kids, who do anything and everything to look cool, trying to run away from the realization that underneath it all they have little to show. You’ve got your geeks and book carriers, who are the exact opposite, underneath they have it all, but they’re too unsure of themselves to present it well to the public. You’ve got you...

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“If What Jesus Said Was Good, What Can It Matter Whether He Was God Or Not?”

My dear, We need to stop arguing about whether Jesus, and God, is real or not. That’s not the point of religion. Religion isn’t about celebrating one man or one being. No, religion is about celebrating that man’s actions. If what Jesus said was good, what can it matter whether he was God or not? The only questions we should be asking ourselves are, “Were his actions good?” and “How can I replicate those...

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“But I’m Warning You. Once You’re Grown Up, You Can Never Come Back.”

My dear, But, why… But why do you want to grow up so fast? But why do you want to give up your play-toys for taxes and spreadsheets? But why do you want to give up a full night’s rest for two-hours of sleep and a cup of coffee every morning? But why do you want exchanged your carefreeness for responsibilities? But I’m warning you. Once you’re grown up, you can never come back. Falsely yours, Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. ...

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“One Of The Few Good Things About Modern Times: If You Die Horribly On Television, You Will Not Have Died In Vain. You Will Have Entertained Us.”

My dear, One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us. You will have made a woman somewhere wonder what the hell the world is coming to. You will have made a man somewhere angry, and maybe, made him take up arms. You will have given the school children their next day’s topic of choice. And you will have given newspaper companies their...

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“The Truth Is, We Know So Little About Life, We Don’t Really Know What The Good News Is And What The Bad News Is.”

My dear, You’ve been lied to. Every day of your life. The lie is that there is ‘good’ news and ‘bad’ news. The truth is, we know so little about life, we don’t really know what the good news is and what the bad news is. Falsely yours, Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. ...

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“My Soul Knows My Meat Is Doing Bad Things, And Is Embarrassed. But My Meat Just Keeps Right On Doing Bad, Dumb Things.”

My dear, My soul knows my meat is doing bad things, and is embarrassed. But my meat just keeps right on doing bad, dumb things. Wait a minute… I think this is what it means to be human! To constantly live with the forces of good and bad fighting within you. To constantly know that you can do so much better than you are right now. To know you speak good, yet do bad. To know you’re being a hypocrite. And to keep on going, even...

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“Dear Future Generations: Please Accept Our Apologies. We Were Rolling Drunk On Petroleum.”

My dear, If I could only write one letter to the future, it would be an apologetic letter. It’d go something like… Dear future generations: Please accept our apologies. We were rolling drunk on petroleum. We didn’t forsee where our narcissism would take us, forgive us. We didn’t forsee where the beliefs we’d kill for, and did, would take us; forgive us. We didn’t forsee where our apathy would take us,...

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“A Sane Person To An Insane Society Must Appear Insane.”

My dear, Yesterday, I met a woman who grew her own food, owned her own land, and enjoyed that land to the fullest. She didn’t have a bank account because she didn’t need to make more money. In fact, she didn’t money at all. She didn’t need makeup because she loved herself and didn’t think adding a false layer to herself would let people see the real her. She didn’t want to change the world, or feel a...

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